Q&A - Karina Suero, LMFT
1. Tell me about the side of you that others may not see- the side that makes you a unique therapist/practitioner/counselor.
One thing about me that I do not think is apparent is my involvement in art. I paint regularly and it has shaped a way of looking at patterns, a flexibility in my thinking and a different formulation of problems. What is important in a painting? the lines? the colors? the composition? the theme? the materials? I had a wonderful teacher who offered to use part of the class to critique a painting in which we were not achieving resolution or were feeling stuck in seeing a way to change a part we were not happy about. She had three questions: 1. Is it finished? If not, 2. Which parts of the painting do you like? 3. What would you change? These are the questions I bring to my thinking process in therapy. Of course, a relationship is never finished, as is also true for a painting. So, through my training as a painter, I developed the mindset, “How is this working for me?”- a question that pointed me towards clarifying my own personal decisions with respect to the particular art work being discussed.
Painting has also given me repeated experiences of how so many different approaches can be successful and all of them valid. I remember one class in which we were painting a model and we ended up with at least seven different successful paintings (by successful I mean I could recognize the model from the painting), and each painting was different and unique.
Painting has been enormously helpful to me as a therapist. It teaches me to be patient with the process, and to look at the “black space.” In painting these are the spaces that would be left if you cut out the figure. That has evolved in looking at pieces from different angles. Sometimes, I turn it upside down, sometimes I look at it in a mirror, sometimes I let it go for a while and I come back to it as if new. I also send it to other people to have a third party looking at what I don’t see. This process of close examination and review with others’ feedback sharpens my lens as a therapist.
2 - What was a significant event in your life that helped to shape you as a therapist/practitioner/counselor?
Coming from Europe and moving to the States! As I think about it now, it sounds naïve but I had this presupposition that I understood the American society, that there was a common cultural background, and that all differences were mostly just a matter of language. Well, I learned that I was right and wrong. Yes, differences are a matter of language, and no common cultural background gives a lot of space for a completely different way to understand the rules and roles required to be able to connect with others. This is similar to an adolescent trying to understand the adult world. In this new life the rules were not explicit, and I was struggling to understand the meaning of them as well as the implications if I didn’t understand them correctly. I remember the first time my oldest son was invited to a birthday party. I received this pretty card saying the time, date, and location. At the end, it said “Please, RSVP and a number. Well, I did not know what RSVP meant, and the card fell in the stack I called, “I don't know what it means,” which was quite full at that time. We made it to the party, and of course, I got a comment about not responding. I immediately took the word, “RSVP” from the stack named “I don't know what it means“ to the stack, “I have an idea, this is important and I better figure it out quickly.”
Second surprise: a thank you note! All of it, I knew nothing about three hours prior to the birthday party. I was thinking about a birthday party that was completely different from what all the others were thinking. When we were talking about birthday parties, we had different stories in mind, and different experiences in our lives. When I was using the same word,” “birthday parties,” I thought we were talking about the same thing, but “birthday party” had a different meaning for me in the culture in which I grew up, and I had to learn to suspend assumptions and become curious.
The birthday surprise stands out as an example of the experience of learning to understand the nuances and complexities of a culture different from mine. It made me focus my attention more closely on appreciating differences in attitudes, style of communication and behaviors, and with this sharper focus I have developed an attitude of curiosity, honesty, acceptance and respect that I bring to the therapeutic relationship. In this process I have become more aware of the importance of not making assumptions, becoming more attuned to and accepting of points of dissonance between people. It has also made me see how one single event or interaction or many can be understood and experienced so differently by two or more participants. And perhaps most importantly, I have become more open to being surprised, a gift I find invaluable in my therapeutic work.
3 - What do you think of Tolstoy’s 1877 observation, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."?
Well, I think it tells about how pain is isolating. Happiness and joy bring an energy that calls to be shared. Pain brings an energy that is self-collapsing, which reminds us of missing, failure, guilt, shame, regrets. And all these painful feelings are specific to each of us, so they seem nontransferable. Especially in this meritocratic society, where the biggest sin is “ failure” ( measured very sharply against an impossible idea that perfection is possible), showing any measure of struggle as if it’s a failing in life, or even losing a part of your identity. How can pain be so quickly devastating?
As I see it, pain comes from caring about others who get rejected. And when that happens, a part of us that thinks that we are worthy of others caring for us is damaged. We enter into a place where we feel we don’t deserve being cared about and we grow afraid of any further rejection. So we don’t reach out to others for help. The words that could be the bridge between us and others do not get voiced. And In that silence we can easily slip into a profound sadness of not being enough, and of fear of tomorrow, or even later today. We enter into this alternative world where smiles and words hide. We become a child looking at the party from behind the curtains. Alone. Helpless. Pain grows more in a world of isolation, so as we become more isolated we experience more pain, which intensifies as we isolate more- and as the cycle continues we become increasingly disconnected from relationships and lost in our suffering. Does not the devil play this game well?
As a therapist, I focus on understanding each unique experience of pain that is part of people’s everyday lives. I work toward helping people develop substantial relationships that become a source of abundance at all times, and especially when people feel depleted and deprived in times of crisis. For me, the antidote for pain is not in its absence, but rather in the meaningful connections people make, with their pain.
4 - If you could ask your 7-year-old self for a piece of advice, what would he or she say?
My 7-year-old is still looking for ways to understand the world, to get oriented in it. If I were to ask her for advice, I imagine she would bring it in the form of a dream, an imaginary story, leaving me space to envision what she meant and the space to figure out for myself the answers to my own questions. She would know somehow I need space and time to grow into the answer. She would say: keep the imagination alive.
5 - What do you do to renew, refresh, or otherwise keep it together?
I like painting, as a way to become open to uncertainty and creativity, to write as a way to sharpen my thinking (and my English), to read in order to see other worlds. I hate exercise, but I do it because it keeps me healthy, so I torture myself with it. I love learning. I like developing personal connections I have with family and friends and to get to know others. I love the process of discovery, to challenge myself. In all this, meaningful contact with others and reflection time alone stand as most important. And I need to sleep a lot,
6 - What advice would you give to your 16-year-old self?
DO NOT BE ASHAMED
7. What is the emerging future that you want to help co-create?
A world where there is beauty, peace and the safety to enjoy every aspect of it. I don’t mean beauty in the sense of art galleries, but in the joy of creating furniture, building dwellings, designing paths, seeing children grow, connecting around poetry, having pleasure in learning and teaching, finding meaning in your life’s work.... my first step: appreciating beauty around me and sharing it.